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Was it assault or kinky sex, Eric Schneiderman? Here's the difference

on Wednesday, 09 May 2018. Posted in NCSF in the News!, Front Page Headline, Media Updates

The Guardian

by Susan Wright

This Monday, Eric Schneiderman resigned as the New York attorney general after four women alleged that he had assaulted them. Two of the women claimed they had been “choked and hit repeatedly by Mr Schneiderman”, while another said she had been “violently slapped across the face”. A fourth woman alleged similar experiences.

In a statement issued on Monday, Schneiderman disputed the allegations, and seemed to imply that what had happened was part of kinky, rough sex: “In the privacy of intimate relationships, I have engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity. I have not assaulted anyone. I have never engaged in nonconsensual sex, which is a line I would not cross.”

As a member of the BDSM community, I think its important to clarify the difference between rough sex and assault. In today’s post-50 Shades world, we all know there are many people who enjoy kinky sex and they like being called names or roleplaying. So you can’t judge the difference between rough sex and assault based on the behavior itself. The way you determine the difference is consent.

So the first step is to get specific agreement that this particular thing sounds hot and sexy and everyone involved wants to give it a try. Kinky people love to talk about what they want to do to each other. That’s our foreplay and we know the anticipation adds to the fun. But talking about what you like to do together is just the beginning. 

To give consent, you have to have be informed about what you’re going to do. That means you have to talk about the risks involved so everyone’s on the same page. For example, a slap to the face carries a much higher risk than a slap to the buttocks because you can injure the ear, jaw, eye and other parts of the face. This higher risk means it’s even more important to talk to someone before slapping them in the face, not only to make sure it’s desired, but also to make sure that the risks are understood.

Kinky sex starts with a conversation. We have a saying that if you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to do it
When it comes to these things that carry a higher risk, even if there is consent, you can be arrested for assault if you seriously hurt someone. That’s why it’s important to learn the skills and techniques involved to make sure you do things as safely as possible. For example, there are ways to do breath play that don’t involve putting your hand around someone’s neck and choking them, which is high-risk behavior.


You also can’t get or give consent to do high-risk things when you’re intoxicated because your judgment is impaired. If you aren’t sober enough to drive, then don’t do it.

One way to tell whether something is consensual or abusive is to ask: can you stop what’s happening? As soon as someone wants to end the activity, it must stop, otherwise it’s assault.

Some people agree to just say “stop” or “no”. Others use a safe word, a unique word that stops the action without having to say no. That’s because it can be hard to say no sometimes, especially when you’re in a stimulated or submissive headspace. One common safe word in BDSM play spaces is “red”, with “yellow” being used as a caution word, meaning you need to pause to adjust something.

True affirmative consent is not asking, “may I touch you here?” then “may I touch you here?” That’s because constant questioning can be coercive. And once someone gets all hot and bothered, they may not be in their right mind to consent. So don’t add things in during the middle that you haven’t talked about already.

Kinky sex starts with a conversation. We have a saying that if you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to do it. So first, figure out how to talk about what you want to do with your lovers. Anything else is nonconsensual.

Eric Schneiderman, Consent and Domestic Violence

on Wednesday, 09 May 2018. Posted in NCSF in the News!, Front Page Headline, Media Updates

NY Times

Consent, the Dividing Line There is a bright line between pain caused by unwanted sexual or domestic violence and pain that can come during some kinds of consensual sexual activity among willing participants. “If it’s not consensual, then it’s not ‘rough sex.’ It’s abuse,” said Susan Wright, the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy organization for a diverse range of sexualities and sexual preferences. Consent should be given early and often, she said. Limits, risks and how to stop sexual activity should be discussed beforehand. And assumptions should never be made. “I know some people think it’s not sexy or spontaneous to actually talk about sex before you have it,” she said. “They’re absolutely wrong, because it’s the best foreplay in the world to talk about the things that turn you on and find out what things turn the other person on.” Even with consent, if sexual activity causes serious harm, it crosses the line to assault, she said.

Nico Tortorella Talks Polyamorous Marriage to Bethany Meyers: ‘We Allow Each Other Freedom’

on Tuesday, 08 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

US Weekly

The All of It Is You: Poetry author noted that it’s “just trust.” He continued, “I mean we love each other more than anything and we allow each other freedom to explore ourselves. Before anything, we’re individuals and together we’re a unit and it’s unstoppable for us.”

How To Write A Dating App Bio For An Open Relationship That's Fully Transparent

on Tuesday, 08 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

The Elite

While you don't necessarily need to slap this information on your Tinder bio, it would be nice to mention it early and definitely before going on a date. "Not everyone you meet online or in person is going to be as psyched about non-monogamy as you are," Blue adds. "This is okay! A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose."

Lawyer Fired After Sending BDSM Sex Contract To Junior Employee. Naturally He Sues.

on Sunday, 06 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Above the Law

“I had a consensual BDSM relationship with another employee, which included one brief incident in private on work premises several months before the disciplinary proceedings,” he added.

“I believe that the disciplinary proceedings were brought against me as retaliation for my having handed in notice following a disagreement over salary and not as a result of the much earlier incident.”

Easier With Three

on Saturday, 05 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, NCSF News

Slate

The big obstacles in most relationships are in the little details—finances, housework, child and/or pet care, and how to spend free time. Before I lived with my wife’s girlfriend, I might have said that having an extra person would only make the conflicts and disagreements of daily life that much harder to work out. Instead, for our family, we’ve found the opposite is true. Whether we need an extra set of hands, an extra listening ear, another chum to hang out with, or an extra couple of bucks, our family has found that three can be easier, not harder, than two.

The scene is alive and well

on Saturday, 05 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Bay Area Reporter

"The IMsL/IMsBB weekend should be an inclusive and sex positive space for all people. All are welcome, and racism, transphobia, and other forms of discrimination have no place here. An important part of the weekend is exploring how the intersectionality of race, class, gender, and ability affect experiences of leather, kink, and sexualities. We must make a commitment to enriching these intersectionalities not only at the weekend but throughout our communities. We will work toward this goal."

‘Lifestyle community’ member opens up about alleged wild sex parties

on Friday, 04 May 2018. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Fox News Denver

She understands why some of the neighbors would be upset when they find out about the parties, but said a big part of the lifestyle is respect for those who don’t live it.

“It’s important to use that we’re not trying to interfere in your world. But please also don’t judge ours,” she said.

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