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62% Of Women Like Rough Sex—and These Are Their Favorite Kinks​

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Men's Health

BY ALISA HRUSTIC

Here’s your excuse to try something kinky tonight: After polling more than 400,000 OkCupid members, the dating website found that 62 percent of women enjoy rough sex.

 

Why? Being bitten, scratched, or spanked increases your blood pressure and heart rate in response to the pain, explains sex researcher Nicole Prause, Ph.D. When that happens during sex, some people interpret it as sexual excitement.

 

 

 

Plus, there are areas of your brain where pain responses and sexual arousal overlap, she says. (The benefits go beyond the bedroom, too. Here’s how kinky sex may actually be good for your mental health.)

 

 

So what actually turns women on when they’re feeling a little adventurous? Sixty-two percent of them said having their hair pulled gets them going, while about 60 percent liked it when their partner took control, the poll found.

 

Other things that topped their list of kinky behaviors? Being bitten, hearing derogatory terms, and being tied up.

 

In fact, the survey found that OkCupid members are 23 percent more likely to say they’re into BDSM than they were in 2013. Coincidentally, a big spike occurred around Valentine’s Day, when Fifty Shades Darker made its debut in theaters.

 

Just keep in mind that this isn’t something you surprise your partner with during sex. If you both want to get a little adventurous, talk about things beforehand to make sure you both feel safe. ...

1,100 strangers showed up at his home for sex. He blames Grindr

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

CNN

by Sara Ashley O'Brien

Over the past five months, Matthew Herrick says that 1,100 men have showed up at his home and workplace expecting to have sex with him. Herrick is suing Grindr, the popular dating app for gay and bisexual men, because of it.

According to the complaint, Herrick, 32, is the victim of an elaborate revenge scheme that's playing out on Grindr's platform. An ex-boyfriend of Herrick's, who he says he met on Grindr, has allegedly been creating fake accounts since October 2016. The accounts have Herrick's photos and personal details, including some falsehoods like a claim that that he's HIV positive.

The ex allegedly invites men to Herrick's apartment and the restaurant where he works. Sometimes as many as 16 strangers each day will show up looking for Herrick. In some instances, they are told not to be dissuaded if Herrick is resistant at first, "as part of an agreed upon rape fantasy or role play."

The case raises important questions in the social media age about impersonation, stalking and harassment.

"What are Grindr's legal responsibilities," asks Aaron Mackey, a Frank Stanton legal fellow at the Electronic Frontier Foundation. "And what are its corporate and ethical responsibilities to its users when it learns that its platform is being abused in this way?"

Mackey said the answers have big implications.

As with many complaints against tech platforms, Section 230 of the 1996 Communications Decency Act is at play in the Grindr case. It's a unique legal protection that gives a broad layer of immunity to online companies from being held liable for user-generated content. Companies are supposed to act in good faith to protect users.

In 2015, Grindr used the CDA to prevail in another case. It was found not liable in a suit filed by a man who was arrested for a sexual encounter with a minor he met on the app.

But in Herrick's case, attorneys Carrie Goldberg and Tor Ekeland are relying on different laws. They're alleging product liability, fraud and deceptive business practices, according to an amended complaint filed on March 31.

"Much of our work is about finding the cracks and holes in [Section] 230," said Goldberg, who is known for taking on sexual privacy and revenge porn cases. "Companies don't deserve special protections when their product is dangerous and [Section] 230 doesn't give them protection in such cases."

Originally filed in a New York state court in January, the case was moved to federal court at Grindr's request in February.

According to the complaint, there have been more than 100 reports flagging the fake profiles in Grindr's app, resulting in only generic replies from Grindr ("Thank you for your report.").

Grindr's terms of service state that impersonation accounts aren't permitted, but it's unclear whether Grindr is capable of cracking down on the accounts. A March email from Grindr's counsel said the company cannot search for photographs, according to the complaint. "Grindr claims it cannot control who uses its product and that it lacks the basic software capabilities used by its competitors and the social media industry," it reads.

According to Matthew Zeiler, founder of image recognition startup Clarifai, there are multiple ways for companies to identify specific images on their platforms, and third party providers can help implement these capabilities.

Processes known as image hashing or visual search can detect near duplicate images from being posted on their platforms.

In a statement, Grindr said it's "committed to creating a safe environment through a system of digital and human screening tools, while also encouraging users to report suspicious and threatening activities. While we are constantly improving upon this process, it is important to remember that Grindr is an open platform. Grindr cooperates with law enforcement on a regular basis and does not condone abusive or violent behavior." ...

Rethinking monogamy today

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

CNN

By Ian Kerner

Could opening your relationship to others benefit you and your partner?

 

For many couples, monogamy -- staying sexually exclusive with one partner -- is expected and assumed. It's even included in many marriage vows. But as some people are increasingly realizing, monogamy isn't for everyone.

In fact, consensual non-monogamy can be a healthy option for some couples and, executed thoughtfully, can inject relationships with some much-needed novelty and excitement.

As a couples sex therapist, I've found that some may feel committed to each other yet still feel they have fundamental differences in sexual interests or desires. In the past, many of these couples might have chosen to break up, cheat or just "settle."

But these days, some are finding they want to challenge their notions about sexual exclusivity.

Why did we become monogamous?

Why did we become monogamous?

It's still unclear what's driving this new openness to, well, openness.

"We're just starting to ask these questions in research," sex researcher and educator Zhana Vrangalova said. "But there does seem to be a growing group of people who are open to exploring. Even if they ultimately decide that non-monogamy isn't for them, more couples are making that decision after an informed consideration, rather than just judging and rejecting it."

Indeed, most non-monogamous people probably once practiced monogamy, explained sex therapist Dulcinea Pitagora. "Most people enter their first relationships with the traditional idea of sexual exclusivity. It's just the way we're socialized in our culture."

Is non-monogamy right for you?

So how do you know whether trying consensual non-monogamy -- which includes polyamory, the ability to have sexual and emotional relationships with others -- is worth exploring? First, it helps to understand how you and your partner define sexual openness, as well as sexual exclusivity.

"There are as many different types of non-monogamous relationships as there are people in them," Vrangalova said.

For some couples, non-exclusivity might take the form of attending "play parties" together and swapping partners, watching other couples have sex, dating other people or even entering into polyamorous relationships with multiple partners.

Determine what's OK and what's not. These are important conversations to have even if you intend to remain monogamous, because they help set expectations and boundaries for your relationship. ...

Participate in a survey about polyamorous relationships!

on Saturday, 15 April 2017. Posted in NCSF News

If you are in a polyamorous or other type of consensually non-monogamous, where all parties involved understand and agree that complete monogamy is not required, then you know how important it is that people understand what these relationships are and how they work.

 

My name is Ryan Witherspoon and I am a clinical psychology Ph.D. student at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University.  I am conducting a dissertation research project investigating these kinds of relationships.  Specifically, I’m looking at hidden sources of strength and resilience against challenges that polyamory and other types of consensual non-monogamy may feature. 

 

Are you a US resident, over 18, and currently in one or more polyamorous or consensually non-monogamous relationship(s)?  Do you want to help contribute to scientific understanding of these important lifestyles and practices?  Please click the link below to participate in this ground-breaking study!  

 

All responses are anonymous and completely confidential.  The survey will only take about 20 minutes to complete, but your contribution to expanding knowledge and tolerance of these modern relationships will be priceless! 

 

Access the brief survey here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/CNMstudy

 

Please feel free to contact me with any questions, comments or concerns! 

 

Sincerely Yours,

Ryan G. Witherspoon, MA

Guest Blog: “Signs” of Trafficking to Make You Wonder

on Monday, 10 April 2017. Posted in NCSF News

by Desmond Ravenstone

Last weekend, I flew out of town to attend a conference where the annual meeting of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom was being held, having been invited to co-present on sex workers’ rights for the Coalition’s leaders. I took just a small backpack crammed with clothes, papers, and other items. The room was paid for by another NCSF activist, who was staying in a suite with their partner. As is my usual practice, I kept the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the entire time, as well as leaving the TV on, because I’m one of these folks who is more comfortable with an unmade bed than having others go through my things.

Believe it or not, I might have been tagged by a hotel employee as a possible sex trafficker.

“Huh!? What did you do wrong?” Well, according to a checklist provided to hotel employees by the Department of Homeland Security, I displayed at least three “general indicators” of human trafficking:

Few or no personal items when checking in.

The same person reserving multiple rooms.

“Do Not Disturb” sign used constantly.

Oh, and the fellow activist who paid for my hotel room? They hosted get-togethers in their suite throughout the weekend, inviting conference attendees to learn more about NCSF – another red flag: “Constant flow of men into a room at all hours.”

 

Now, to be fair, these are just four out of some four dozen indicators, some of which are clear warning signs of coercion or abuse. But the four I mentioned, and several more, are so vague or subjective that, when read out of context, could lead to invasions of privacy and false accusations.

 

Here are some others:

Individuals avoid eye contact and interaction with others – Whoever came up with this probably never knew that this is not uncommon for people on the autism spectrum, or who rank high on the introversion scale.

Individuals appear to be with a significantly older “boyfriend” or in the company of older males – How old is “significantly older”? Does this mean May-December relationships are now automatically suspect? What about a young woman accompanied by an older relative?

Evidence of pornography – Uh huh. Remember, we’re talking hotels here. Many of which have adult pay-per-view. Some have newsstands that sell Hustler and Penthouse. Or maybe the government has bought into the idea that nude photos in a magazine is some sort of “gateway drug” …

Extended stay with few or no personal possessions – Because airlines never lose people’s luggage. Right?

Provocative clothing and shoes – Excuse me, but has anyone noticed the trend in many high schools to declare virtually any female student’s attire short of a prairie dress as “provocative”?

Excessive amounts of sex paraphernalia in rooms (condoms, lubricant, lotion, etc.) – Okay, I’m sure some readers are wondering why I put this here. Set aside the vagueness of “excessive” for a moment. This particular “indicator” gives no mention of context. My recent trip was an example. The conference in question was for members of the BDSM community. So, yes, folks are going to bring all sorts of erotic accoutrements (and that’s not even touching on the various merchants and sex educators setting up booths there). And given that BDSM, swinger and polyamory conferences try to be discreet, just imagine a hotel worker not being informed of their presence and seeing a room filled with … get the picture?

Room paid for with cash or pre-loaded credit card – Because people with credit problems who are thus unable to get “real” credit cards never need to stay at a hotel, hm?

Minor taking on adult roles or behaving older than actual age (paying bills, requesting services) – Seems like a legit concern, right? Well, have you ever encountered a family where the parents are recent immigrants, and the kids have a higher proficiency in English? I have. The kids not only translate for their parents, they learn out of necessity how to deal with all sorts of situations, including how to handle money.

Room rented has fewer beds than patrons – Because college kids don’t trying to save money by cramming four people into a room with two beds. Or a family displaced by fire, or eviction. Yeah, those never happen.

Car in parking lot regularly parked backward, so the license plate is not visible – Yeah, absolutely no one has a car with a front license plate. And except for evil traffickers, everyone parks front first, right?

Patron claims to be an adult although appearance suggests he/she is a minor – Ask anyone who works at a bar if they’ve had to card an adult who looked younger than they are. Yup, it happens. Happened to me when I was thirty-five. And about half a dozen other people I know.

This is not to say that people who engage in trafficking and other nefarious activities don’t do these things. They do – and so do lots of other people. If a survey showed that a majority of traffickers spoke two or more languages, it doesn’t mean that being able to speak another language indicates that someone is a trafficker. It’s also typical of anti-trafficking rhetoric that these assumptions are rooted in biases about gender, race, class, and immigration status. Imagine a hotel employee, with superficial “trafficking awareness” training, reporting a guest – perhaps even you – on the basis of such hasty generalizations.

Human rights abuses should not be fought by the abuse of other rights. If we are to bring criminals to justice, or help victims find relief, then let’s make sure we are well-prepared to do it right, rather than run roughshod over innocent people.

Why these young Aussies are trying BDSM

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

by Katie Horneshaw

“SO I think I’m getting a Dom!” exclaims my friend Jodi* as we sit down for coffee.

“You mean like a BDSM thing?”

“Yeah! I mean, might as well see what all the fuss is about, right?”

“Dom” is kink-vernacular for the dominant role in a BDSM encounter, or “scene”. Jodi is anticipating taking the “Sub”, or submissive, role.

And it’s this, not the fact that my friend wants to try BDSM, which stokes my intrigue. Jodi is a loud, self-possessed clothing label owner and landlord. I cannot picture her being dominated by anyone.

She will later inform me that she’s switched to the Dom role and has found a “sweet” Sub to be her manservant. He comes over to brush her hair and act as her foot stool, among other things.

If you had told me I’d be having this conversation a few years ago, I would have been scandalised. But that was before BDSM became ubiquitous within the under 35’s singles scene. As Jodi puts it, “It’s not good enough to be normal anymore. You have to be extreme!”

The catalyst for the change? There’s the obvious: Fifty Shades may be roundly mocked within the BDSM community, but its role in eviscerating the taboo which once shrouded kink is irrefutable. The rise of anonymous dating apps has made it easy to scout for partners, while social media sites like FetLife (The Facebook of BDSM) allow young kinksters to communicate online.

Matt*, 23 and a Dom, is one of the cohort of Aussie young people using Tinder to scout for BDSM partners. He’s hasn’t encountered a lot of experienced female subs, but, “There are lots of younger girls who have thought about it or dabbled, and they’re happy to have me guide them through the experience.”

Sam*, 28, says he’s always had submissive tendencies, but it wasn’t until seeing Fifty Shades that he considered exploring them in the bedroom. When he eventually matched with a professional dominatrix on Tinder, it was an awakening.

“I’ve always wanted to serve women, but I didn’t have an opportunity to do that in my everyday life without it seeming creepy.”

He thinks BDSM’s recent explosion in popularity is a great thing, “because most people are probably like me — they’d love it if they would just give it a try!”

Henry*, 25, has always known he finds domination sexy. As a teenager he would see a scene in a movie where a woman was in charge and become excited.

He tells me about his first experience as a sub: “I met a very experienced female Dom through a friend, and she trained me on slave-duty. I lived with her and was under her control 24/7- I was only allowed to go out to go to Uni. I loved the idea that it was totally up to her if she wanted to punish or reward me for my behaviour.”

Unlike Sam, Henry is a natural leader in day-to-day life. “What turns me on is the release: The total ceding of control to someone else.” ...

Don’t throw out your old shoes – sell them to someone with a foot fetish instead

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

It’s Sunday evening and I’m creating a profile on one of the biggest social networks for BDSM, fetish and kink communities.

by Louise Joy

I’ve chosen an alluring username, and now I’m uploading photos of my shoes and filling out my profile to state that I am a mistress looking for a sissy sub to worship my feet.

 

In reality, I’m actually sitting in sweats, scoffing crisps, with my hair in a messy bun. But it’s always easier to get into character online.

I’m not looking for any real life fun on this website; though judging by what’s on my profile, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I enjoy dabbling and experimenting.

In actual fact, I’m starting (well, hoping to start) a new business – by selling old, worn shoes.

Let me explain.

Back when I was a uni student, I accidentally stumbled across the gold mine business that is selling old shoes to people with foot fetishes.

 

It was a complete accident.

I sold an old pair of shoes on eBay and made a profit – they were Primark pumps, so would have cost me around £3 to buy, and I managed to sell them for £30.

I didn’t understand why they went for so much.

 

They weren’t in the best condition, but they weren’t falling apart either, so I figured I’d get £5 max for them.

And then the messages came flooding in.

Men wanting to worship my feet; so called slaves begging me to sell more shoes (the stinkier the better, it seems) so that they could buy them and waste their money on ‘their mistress’.

Some even asked to pay for photos of my feet. ...

On Learning and Loving

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Until I made the conscious choice to opt-out of monogamous relationships, I had cheated on every partner I had ever been with.

by Ocean DeRouchie 

I know how bad that might look on paper. But for the longest time, no matter how long I was with someone, no matter how much I cared for them, I would eventually find myself in a situation where I had serious feelings for another person(s).

 

Any sentiment of guilt or shame I felt came less so from the consequences of any action, and moreso from a societal belief that “sleeping with someone else is something you do to your partner, not for yourself,” as Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy put it so eloquently in their remarkable book, The Ethical Slut.

 

It wasn’t out of not loving my partner, or out of wanting to cause harm, that I acted on those feelings—I was just happy to share love, and I found that the more love I had to give, the more love I had to share.

 

So for years, I would try to follow my heart—and end up hurting everyone else’s in the process.

 

At the end of summer of 2015, I came to the conclusion that being in exclusive relationships was a no-no. I started telling new romantic interests that I was polyamorous, and soon enough my heart felt lighter and lighter. The realization that polyamory, for me, was moreso a part of who I am, rather than a lifestyle choice, came with a strong sense of self, and an even stronger feeling of relief.

 

That’s not to say that sharing this with people didn’t come without some intense reactions. When I first told my mom, she was like, “No, Ocean, you just need a boyfriend.” To which I responded, “No, Mom—I have like, five of them.” Her concern and bewilderment—which comes from a sincere, distinct place of love—is shared by many others who find out that someone in their life is polyamorous. It comes from a sheer lack of public knowledge or even comfortable conversation around non-monogamy.

 

However, polyamory still remains taboo in nature, and is largely ignored as a research topic as a result. It was only last summer that data from the first-ever national survey on polyamorous families emerged.

 

The survey collected information from 547 respondents—all self-identified poly folks in “families,” or what I just call “relationships,” between three or more consenting adults. It’s worth noting that this is by no means an exhaustive representation of polyamorous relationship structures.

 

The survey also (somewhat) reclaims the word “family,” indicating that the meaning of it in Canada is evolving.

 

Of these respondents, there was a general consensus that public acceptance of polyamory is increasing, but perceptions that it’s a kink or fetish, or is somehow aligned with polygamy, is still giving it a bad rap.

 

Poly peeps have to consider who they tell, because “many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms,” write Easton and Hardy. People have lost jobs, been denied leases and lost custody battles. “It’s not easy being easy,” they point out.

 

My experiences telling potential partners since this coming-to-terms with myself are different depending on the person. Some are uncomfortable with the idea of a partner pursuing other interests—and that’s okay; people need to set their own boundaries. On the other hand though, there are people who are into it, and they aren’t as few and far between as you might expect.

 

Poly living situations are on the rise, too. There was a time not too long ago when I was considering a move-in with two of my former partners. The dream, as a friend of mine once called it, never came true, but discussions around the idea included how many bedrooms we might want, in what context would it be appropriate to bring our other partners into the shared space, and beyond.

 

When looking at poly living situations, the 2016 survey found that most people lived between two households. However, one fifth of them said that all members of their relationship lived in one home. In these single-home families, three fifths of them included one married couple. ...

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